Joseph W. James, Ph.D.
Psychologist
4400 East West Highway
Suite 712
Bethesda, MD 20814
301.657.1144
Day, Evening & Weekend Appts.
Maryland Marriage Counselor
Maryland Marriage Counselor
10 Signs Your Relationship Needs Help
1) Communication seems like it
is going in circles
2) S/he seems unwilling to compromise
3) Our personalities seem incompatible
4) His/Her family gets in the way
5) Fighting is cruel
6) Fighting never seems to reach resolution
7) Your fights become physical
8) You rarely or never have sex
9) You can't agree on how to
raise or discipline your children
10) You have discussed or fantasized about divorce
What Kind of Relationship Do You Have?
Fulfilled: You are best friends and lovers in every sense of the word. You feel supported by and are supportive of one another. You can’t imagine a sharing your with a different partner.
Friendship: You are a team and may or may not feel like your partner is your best friend. But the passion is gone. It may feel more like you are running a business together than being lovers. There are some simmering resentments underneath that you can’t seem to resolve and your fights may have a repetitive quality to them.
Detached: You feel like two ships passing in the night. While you may each know your roles in keeping the house running there is no sense of teamwork. You have lingering disdain for one another. You are together more out of habit than any sense of passion or love.
One Foot Out the Door: You're planning or fantasizing about your exit.
Maryland Marriage Counseling: The 5 Deadly Communication Sins
My years as a Maryland marriage counselor have confirmed what researchers discovered several years ago: its not the big fights that cause relationships to struggle or fail. Instead, research shows that it is the small wounds caused by certain ways of responding to one another that are most predictive of whether or not a couple will thrive or fail.
Researchers have identified five types of responses that are particularly destructive which I have seen over and over in my practice as a Maryland marriage counselor. In no particular order, these responses styles are:
1. Confrontational responses are challenging or angry in nature. You get the sense that the partner is annoyed and snaps at whatever the other says, regardless of the response offered.
WIFE: I’ve found the most fascinating story…
HUSBAND: Can't you see I'm trying to read?
HUSBAND: Up for some TV tonight?
WIFE: Is that all you think I'm good for? Sitting in front of the tube watching mindless TV shows all the time?
HUSBAND: Of course not. What would you like to do? Maybe you'd rather go see a movie instead.
WIFE: Oh, like that's supposed to make me feel better? (Mocking) "Maybe you'd rather go see a movie instead. Don’t patronize me"
2. Oppositional responses are when a partner is ready to dispute or contradict what is being said to him or her.
WIFE: Would you like an orange?
HUSBAND: That's not an orange. It’s a tangerine.
3. Forceful responses are attempts to dominate the other partner. The underlying goal is to get the partner to withdraw or submit and to get ones own way. S/he may take on a paternal tone.
HUSBAND: You know what would be a fun place to go to sometime? New Zealand !
WIFE: Don't be silly! The plane ride would take forever and you'd hate all the hiking and biking. Montreal- now there's a place you'd really love!
WIFE: Can you give me a ride home from work?
HUSBAND: I guess. But only if you're ready at five P.M. sharp, I’ve got things to do myself you know.
4. Criticizing responses are wide assaults on the other's character. They're different from a complaint, which focuses on a particular event or specific behavior. People speak in global terms when being critical, using phrases like "you always…" and "you never…" Criticizing responses anger are often filled with blame or betrayal:
HUSBAND: I've had a really tough week and am pooped! I could really go for a nap this afternoon.
WIFE: That figures. You're always so lazy and self-centered. All you do is think about yourself. Can’t you ever think about me?
WIFE: Do you have a second? I need a hand with this.
HUSBAND: Okay, but make it quick. I can't be holding your hand all the time.
5. Protective responses are when one partner puts all the blame on the other and will not take any responsibility in a matter him/herself. If one is upset about something, the protective responder may act like an innocent victim of misplaced blame. This violates my #1 ingredient of successful marriage counseling: own thy own stuff.
HUSBAND: What a day I had! I'm exhausted.
WIFE: So you think my day was a picnic? I worked my tail off, too!
WIFE: I'm worried about the bills.
HUSBAND: It wasn't my idea to buy the new car.
One thing I have noticed in my years of practice as a Maryland marriage counselor is the people will often use their partner as a convenient whipping post for things in their life they are not satisfied with.
There is an old saying about death by a thousand paper cuts and responding to one another on a regular basis in these five ways can do just that. In essence, each of them is in one way or another saying:
Your need for attention makes me angry.
I don't respect you.
I don't value you or this relationship.
I want to hurt you.
I want to drive you away.
If these sound familiar to you and you find it difficult to break the pattern you may want to consider seeing a marriage counselor or anger management specialist to help you find new and more constructive ways of communicating.
For more info on how a marriage counselor can help please feel free to call me at 301-657-1144 or write at DrJoe@DrJoeJames.com
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